Safety, and the power of small choices
Suddenly, I’m reading how important it is to give children freedom in every magazine or paper I open.
But you know what? Too much freedom can make your child insecure.
I get it though, you want to give your children all the space they need to discover what they want.
But do you realize that you can overwhelm your children by doing so? Your child can feel like he/she is swimming without a life-vest.
Maybe you recognize the following: when you ask your child what he/she wants to do or eat, you get an impatient "I don't know!" or "You choose" as a reply.
That is not because they don't want to choose, but because they simply can't choose yet. They don't yet know the consequences of many things, they don't yet know the possible dangers. And, much more important for your children: how are you, mom or dad, going to react when they answer that they want to eat pizza again?
Children depend on you as a parent. They need your guidance. If you constantly ask them what they want without giving them direction, it comes across as if you don't know either. And that is super unsettling for them. Children need someone who says: "This is what we can do," and guides them in this.
Instead of 'What do you want to eat?' you can say: 'I can make pasta or mashed potatoes tonight, what do you choose?' Simple, clear, and safe.
By giving clear options, you not only help your child make decisions, but you also show that you are there to show the way. It doesn't matter whether it's about plans for the day or what's on their plate: you are still the one who gives direction. They don't have to feel lost in that “buffet full of possibilities”.
I often see how that well-intended giving of freedom actually leads to uncertainty and lethargy in children. My position is that we really have to guide our children and let them feel: you don't have to do it alone.
Of course, I know that it's not always easy, and I have also not always been a saint in this. It's about giving your child safety, making them feel safe.
Safety is in the little things.
It's not about offering the perfect choices, but about letting them feel: "I'm here. I see you. I know what we're doing."
That trust you give is the most valuable you can give.
